1. College is the best time of your life. When else are your parents going to spend several thousand dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town and get drunk every night?

　　大学是你一生中最美好的时光。什么时候你的父母还会一年花几千块供你去一个陌生的地方天天晚上喝醉。

　　2. Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates。

　　大学当然是个有很多知识的地方：大一的带进来一些，大四的带不走多少，知识便积累起来了。

　　3. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep。

　　教授就是别人都睡了他还在讲话的人。

　　4. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools。

　　只要有考试，学校里就会有祷告者。

　　5. The things taught in colleges are not an education, but the means to an education。

　　大学里学得不是知识，而是学习知识的方法。

　　6. Never get married in college：it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake。

　　千万不要在大学结婚：一旦你未来的雇主发现你已经犯下一个错误，你就很难起步了。

　　7. Education is not preparation for life, education is life itself。

　　学习不是为生活做准备，学习就是生活的全部。

　　8. The university brings out all abilities, including incapability。

　　大学能培养人的各种能力，包括无能。

　　9. The chief value in going to college is that it's the only way to learn it really doesn't matter。

　　上大学的主要价值是：只有上了才知道真的不值啊。

　　10. 80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didn't read。

　　期末考试中80%的内容都来自你翘掉的那节课和你漏读的那本书。

　　11. To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be president of the United States."

　　那些取得好成绩的同学，做的好！那些得C的同学，有一天你们会成为美国总统。